Fantasia de Futbol 2023: Week One
Happy Labor Day weekend peeps,
It occurred to me recently that this will be the 10th anniversary of the Fantasia de Futbol! It has been an honor to serve as your commissioner all these years and I look forward to the next decade of enduring the commissioner's curse of never winning the championship.
It is only fitting that a few OG's are back this year and hungry for victory! Welcome back Mike, the original Six Train Warrior & Alden (Tupy Toppler) Tupy into the fold for this momentous season. Will we have our first ever repeat champion with Chloe's team Merica or will I finally lift the Drutonian Trophy of Excellence myself?! In this, the tenth iteration of the Fantasia de Futbol, we have one rule: There are no rules! (There are actually many rules but marketing thought the 'No Rules' tag would be better for merch sales.
What follows is a quick snapshot of week one's matchups as well as a bit (a lot) of Drutonian editorializing.
Week One:
Dru v. Kels
Purdy Good so Far heralded by your Commish versus Kelsey 'Needs to update her team name because she no longer has Jalen Hurts' Sampson. The reaction cam watching me during the fantasy draft this year watched a single bead of sweat drip down my face as I watched every QB I wanted to grab late get drafted ahead of me. This leads to my current dilemma: my squad is lead by none other than Mr. Irrelevant himself Brock Purdy. The niners are stacked and if he can just facilitate short TD passes to my boy Deebo, all will be well. Kels has no such worries as Trevor Lawrence looks poised to take another giant leap forward on a very underrated Jags squad. She starts 3 Jags this week with Etienne looking to fulfill his non-injury destiny along with overpaid WR Christian Kirk. My wide receiver room is bloated with talent and I have opted to flex a WR in the hopes of big dividends. Even with King Henry & Justin Tucker, ESPN projects me to lose by 10. A good start to a 5th seed and missing the playoffs season for me!
Chloe v Merla
A tale as old as time. Chloe and Mike's real life rivalry over Marcus's affections spills over into fantasy this week as Chloe looks to defend her title. If you look closely at your nearest train tracks you will see Merla as the engineer of the Jets hype train this year as he starts my ex at starting QB: Aaron Rodgers. Coupled with Bijan Robinson & Josh Jacobs, Mike may have the strongest QB/RB room in the league this year. For context, Joe Mixon squeaked into the starting lineup as a flex. Chloe's no slouch with Tua looking to stay not concussed for at least the first month of the season along with fantasy superstar Austin Ekeler and Amon St. Brown catching every pass the Lion's throw this year. Chloe definitely earmarked the chapter of my fantasy draft book titled: always take the no. 1 reciever on a bad team than the no. 2 target on a good team. ESPN projects this one as a 50/50 toss up and I expect nothing less from two titans of the fantasy football world.
Bitterpea v. Lui
Two of the Fantasia de Futbol's angriest coaches square off in week one. Lui will be looking to emotionally recover from a lost season last year while Sweetpea starts her very first fantasy football journey. Rumor has it that her partner has polluted her mind and turned her into a Bears fan. There is some evidence of this as we have received multiple reports of shouting 'Kmet down the middle' throughout the state of Oregon. This speculation is nearly confirmed by the presence of Justin Fields and Darnell Mooney on her squad. Is this a first-year fantasier making the rookie mistake of drafting with their heart or does she no something about Da Bears that we don't? Time will tell! Meanwhile, Lui is fielding a balance team of top talents at every position. Allen will be top 5 qb easy. Kupp will catch 437 passes again this year. Former Drutonian Keenan Allen will secretly average 18 points a week. ESPN says Lui takes this one by 6 points but it will be no cake walk. Did I mention that Sweeper also has MCM & Breece Hall?!
Clint v JP
Surprise, surprise, Clint took his hometown heroes of Burrow and Ja'Marr Chase and surprise, surprise, he will probably ride their coat tails' to the playoffs this year. Complimented by George Kittle, Najee Harris & Jonathan Taylor, his squad is primed to be a top performer. I know, JT is having some issues with the Colts but I've heard this story before. Come week 3, we will forget all about the offseason nonsense when JT scores 3 tds in a game and puts up 50 fantasy points solo. JP's squad is equal part gambles and sure things. Settling in to his second year, Deshaun Watson is primed to take a big step and make everyone remember why he was worth signing for a quadrillion dollars. ROTY Garrett Wilson will have a huge year with Aaron tossing him rockets, Tee Higgins will too while Chase absorbs all of opposing defense's attention. Travis Kelce will be Travis Kelce and keep JP in every fantasy game. ESPN has JP taking this one by a country mile but that will change with Jonathan Taylor's status updating during game week.
Chip v Negro
Dad's (Knot) Top Secret faces off against former champion Guate Overweighters in week one and both coaches have fielded perennial playoff teams over recent years. It's no surprise that this matchup is projected to generate the most total points. Chip's squad looks like he got two picks for every one the rest of us got. Hurts, Nick Chubb, Tyreek Hill & Aaron Jones?!?! On the same team?! I do not look forward to the reporters questions regarding favoritism at my press conferences this year. While the Overweighters are underdogs by an extremely thin margin, they have the tools to compete. Fantasy super-saiyans Justin Herbert and Saquon Barkley will be doing many a fusion dance this year for big points. Another great pick taken from a chapter in Dru's Big Book of Fantasy Genius: always take the guy in a contract year. Mark my words, Saquon will be a fantasy GIANT.
MC v. Alden
Oh boy. All week I pleaded with Marcus, please don't draft Mahomes in the first round. QBs can't wait I said. He seemed open to the idea. He seemed to understand what I was telling him. I regret to inform you that he zagged on me. I could here his maniacal chuckling all the way over here on the Beast Coast as he snagged Mahomes at the end of the first round. The rest of his squad is peppered with every player he could get on Kansas City's roster along with a player he went to high school with, Cairo Santos. Do I agree with his methods? Absolutely not. Do I respect his choices? I do not; however, I will fight with my commissioner's power to protect them. On the other side of the field, Alden 'Assistant to the Fantasy Football Manager' squad is loaded with talent. After taking some time off from the Fantasia de Futbol to recalibrate and reassess, he's back and he's hungry for victory. His fantasy football team has nearly as many stars as the night's sky. Lamar Jackson, Davante Adams, Stefon Diggs putting up top 5 numbers all year along with sneaky great & former Drutonian Mark Andrews lighting up the score board. It is no wonder that Alden is projected to win by double digits. But you know what they say about projections? They are usually pretty accurate.
I'm so excited for this fantasy season and I hope you are too! I was going to write more but the Philly Cheesesteak truck is driving through my neighborhood so I'm gonna run after it.
Good luck this season.
Your Commissioner